Sometimes I wish I could get a glimpse into the future. There are so many questions that swirl through my head. Does he love me? Does he not? Does he want us? Will he really be able to just leave us in the past? These are seemingly selfish questions but they are with The Bean first in mind. Will there be a father figure? Will I be able to do the job if there isn’t? What will I say in 13 years when the questions aren’t my own any more.
Sometimes I want to cut all ties. It would seem that it is the best for the both of us. The father I mean. He wants no part of it. There’s not acknowledgement of the pregnancy even. I am judging, I know. There is no way to know what his plans, thoughts, and wishes are. I know that he has fear, he has to. I know that he has questions of his own. This is why I am being patient as painful as it is. I am in total understanding that the way I deal with it isn’t the way any one else would. Nor should they. We are each our own. I know I have to be as understanding and kind as I can.
So here I am always at his beking call. Always a pushover for his needs and wants. Always looking for ways to appease him. You’d think life would have taught me by now that this is not the way to open anyones eyes. But as many hardships as I’ve had in life my heart grows bigger. Or perhaps it’s stupidity. All I know is that it’s not about me anymore. I want the best for The Bean.
So for the time being, I will go with the flow. I will see where life takes us. I can only hope this is the right way. I can only pray that with G-d by my side my fears will dissolve and I will look to the future with a happy heart, no matter where that takes us.
They say you are about the size of a pea pod, or as I like to think of you a bean – string bean I guess. I am your mom. I will always be your mom, your protector, your friend… in that order. I cannot wrap my brain around how clueless I am right now but you should know that I will always have you at the forefront of all of my actions for my life is no longer my own.
We will learn and grow together and I will do my best to instill my best qualities in you with the hopes that you do not have to travel as harsh a roads as I have. But only G-d has that in the works for us. All you need to know is that no matter what we go through, we’ll be together. I’ll always be there to pick you up in case you fall.
Do you hear me when I talk? Cry? Laugh? I cannot wait to do those things together with you. I cannot wait to show you the beautiful and terrifying world we live in. I cannot wait to lay my eyes on you and hold you. It’s true what they say – a woman becomes a mother at conception. I have. I am your mom. I will always be your mom, no matter what.
“Our attitude towards what has happened to us in life is the important thing to recognize. Once hopeless, my life is now hope-full, but it did not happen overnight. The last of human freedoms, to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, is to choose one’s own way.” – Victor Frankl
It seems just when you think you have life figured out it splits into a fork, giving you choices to make that never seemed to cross your mind. She’s funny that way ain’t she? I will chock it up to “This is how we stay sharp and on our toes. This is how we stay smart and eventually become wise.” I think the trick in these, at times seemingly desperate, situations one must stay positive and remember that everything works out for the best. I know it sounds cliche but when I think back on the many lives I’ve lived and the numerous tribulations I’ve crossed and left behind, I realize – I am a better, stronger, smarter individual because of it. Therefore, who am I to ask for anything different.
Now pregnant, I am meeting women from all walks of life, all with different challenges and I see that each one of us has a life carved out just for us. It’s how we look at is is how we land – 0n our feet or our backs (no pun intended).
So let’s stay positive in the face of dark hours, lets look to the future, and lets look forward to the people it will mold us into. It’s up to us not to be crushed and support each other along the way.
Sure You Can be Pissed and Sad but That’s a Choice You Make
On this specific day these are the things I am thankful for:
- My parents and their health
- My parents smiling faces
- My parents are coming home today! (missed them terribly)
- My health
- My ability to move all of my limbs at will
- My eyes and the ability to see the beautiful world
- My ears and the ability to hear the world around me
- My heart that automatically pumps my blood
- My veins that allow for life to flow through me (and the Little Bean)
- My lungs to work without a thought
- My stomach
- My muscles and my fat
- My skeletal structure (isn’t our body simply amazing? think about it)
- My emuna
- The rest of my organs
- The home I sit in
- The running water in our home
- The flowing electricity
- The plumbing
- The new client
- The food that has and will reach my mouth
- The water that has and will reach my mouth
- The sunshine
- The clouds
- The rain
- The chair that I sit on
- The computer, internet, and all of the technology that allows me to reach you
- My brain and it’s ability to act, think, and dream
- My ability to read and write
- My freedom for which so many suffered and never known
- The bed I rest my head on
- The cotton my sheets are made of
- The feathers of the birds that make my warmth possible
- The lacks in my life
- The word of G-d that shows us how to be humble, selfless, and modest people
- The opportunity to strengthen faith in things not seen
- The heat that pumps through this home
- The ability to call a place a home
- The love of my parents and family
- The seemingly dark hours without which there would be no light
- The birds outside my window
- The lack of constant work that shows me that I am not the boss
- The headache that reminds me of all the days that I am pain free
- All the kind faces that I will encounter today
- All the less than kind faces that will make me appreciate the blank ones
- The enemies that work against me
- The friends that have my back
- The opportunity to help someone
- The seemingly bad and nightmarish trials that I’ve overcome
- The little soul that grows inside me
- This very moment of life
Throughout my day these are the many things that I think of. G-d is so good in so many ways I pray that people remember, if only for a moment, that every moment is a blessing and a gift. Treat it as such and never forget how good it is to be you. There are thousands of things that are missing from the list.
Tomorrow will mark my 13th week of pregnancy and the last week of the first trimester. Gosh time flies does’t it? It seems to have certainly picked up in the days that I found out that I am pregnant mid September. I understand my own mother telling me, “Before you turn around, a year will have passed.” And, the older I get the more I realize what all the moms try to tell you – they know better.
There have been quite a bit of ups and downs, as expected. Soon I’ll be feeling the flutters of first kicks and a rounding out belly that I am looking forward to so much (I have an obsession with a pregnant belly and now I will have one of my own).
I can’t wait to meet this little one, G-d willing, but I am not rushing things by any means. After all, there are a lot of preparations to take place in a very short amount of time. If there is anything to put some fire under your butt it’s definitely a bun in the oven with the timer set to May, 2014.
With only a taste of the fears I have, I am in complete awe with a new (and I am sure to be continually growing) admiration for the strength and courage of the singer mother. There are so many things to think about, especially for those of us that find ourselves single and pregnant: the baby of course, finances, support, career, the balancing of time, and raising a well rounded and good human being to become a part of our society.
Are you a single mom that has captured a beautiful balance in her life and the life of her baby? Well, if you have a moment, won’t you share with newbies like me?