I know that all parents to be probably have the same wishes, fears, and hopes. The most prominent for me today is being able to be a good example for my child. I hope to be a strong role model who will inspire compassion, kindness, love, and respect towards this world and it’s inhabitants. I do not have any idea on how that will unfold but with a good heart, a better intent, and the watchful eye of G-d we’ll ensure an offspring we can all be proud of.
Sometimes I wish I could get a glimpse into the future. There are so many questions that swirl through my head. Does he love me? Does he not? Does he want us? Will he really be able to just leave us in the past? These are seemingly selfish questions but they are with The Bean first in mind. Will there be a father figure? Will I be able to do the job if there isn’t? What will I say in 13 years when the questions aren’t my own any more.
Sometimes I want to cut all ties. It would seem that it is the best for the both of us. The father I mean. He wants no part of it. There’s not acknowledgement of the pregnancy even. I am judging, I know. There is no way to know what his plans, thoughts, and wishes are. I know that he has fear, he has to. I know that he has questions of his own. This is why I am being patient as painful as it is. I am in total understanding that the way I deal with it isn’t the way any one else would. Nor should they. We are each our own. I know I have to be as understanding and kind as I can.
So here I am always at his beking call. Always a pushover for his needs and wants. Always looking for ways to appease him. You’d think life would have taught me by now that this is not the way to open anyones eyes. But as many hardships as I’ve had in life my heart grows bigger. Or perhaps it’s stupidity. All I know is that it’s not about me anymore. I want the best for The Bean.
So for the time being, I will go with the flow. I will see where life takes us. I can only hope this is the right way. I can only pray that with G-d by my side my fears will dissolve and I will look to the future with a happy heart, no matter where that takes us.
They say you are about the size of a pea pod, or as I like to think of you a bean – string bean I guess. I am your mom. I will always be your mom, your protector, your friend… in that order. I cannot wrap my brain around how clueless I am right now but you should know that I will always have you at the forefront of all of my actions for my life is no longer my own.
We will learn and grow together and I will do my best to instill my best qualities in you with the hopes that you do not have to travel as harsh a roads as I have. But only G-d has that in the works for us. All you need to know is that no matter what we go through, we’ll be together. I’ll always be there to pick you up in case you fall.
Do you hear me when I talk? Cry? Laugh? I cannot wait to do those things together with you. I cannot wait to show you the beautiful and terrifying world we live in. I cannot wait to lay my eyes on you and hold you. It’s true what they say – a woman becomes a mother at conception. I have. I am your mom. I will always be your mom, no matter what.